Tuesday, May 17, 2011

I've been reading Rumour Queen again

I'm feeling a long winded post coming up, so be warned.

As an adoptee and adoptive parent, I feel the need to clarify that we (adoptees) are not one large entitiy. We are individuals, who have our own feelings, ideas, and outlook.
Yet, we are often lumped together, like we should all feel and behave a certain way.

Yes, I did search and find my daughter's birth family. I did not wait for her permission. She was 3 years old when the information that someone knew her birth family was droped in our laps. I could not wait to ask her opinion, the trail was hot.
I don't know if she will resent me for taking another choice away from her, or if she will even want a relationship with her birth family. Frankily, I don't know at this point how she will process being an international adoptee.
All I can do is try and be the best mother I can be to my daughters. I will be there to talk about adoption, and I will often bring up the story of their adoption.
I will introduce her to her birth family, and hope that over time, she develops a relationship with them. Again, I cannot force a relationship on her, that will be up to her.

As I've also mentioned before (and on RQ), it has been worth making the contact with birth family just to have an answer for when Avery asks "Why"? We are also fortunate to have pictures of her birth family. This is something that is priceless to an adoptee (see, even I am guilty of lumping us all into one big category sometimes). Now, Avery doesn't have to wonder what if her birth mom has hair like her, or if she looks like her sisters.

I am sad that it isn' likely that I will find Brennyn's birth family. She may be upset that we did not find her birth family, but we did find Avery's. Again, I can't control this and I am not Brennyn. I don't know how she will process this information.
Ironically, it would have been so helpful to know who her birth family is, just for the genetic aspect alone. I am sure that a member of her birth family has the same genetic syndrome Brennyn does. It is such a rare syndrome, and I bet they don't even know what they have, never mind getting treatment for it.

My brother found his birth family years ago. I barely searched for mine. Yes, I did do a facebook search once I had the name of my birth mother but that was it. I didn't really try.
I wished that my brother would find the peace that he needed when he met his family, but he didn't. I even hoped he would maybe respect my parents more (you would have to know the story of his birth family to understand what I'm talking about).

I've gone on enough about this subject, and I've talked about it before. It's a tricky thing, to be a parent. Always second guessing decisions, trying to make life perfect for our children, and doing the right thing. It's just that we don't always know if it's the right thing.

Also, just because one is an adoptee, doesn't mean we have all the answers either. Different circumstances, different backgrounds, different lives. Yes, we should be open, and able to discuss adoption, just don't put us all in one big category.

1 comment:

  1. I would have done EXACTLY what you did for Avery. You are an amazing mother, the fact that you have experience makes you even more amazing - I learn from you all the time.

    You do as much as you can physically do for your child, because that's what being a parent is all about.